Please Critique My Story?
I asked a similar question about the same story yesterday, but I have since edited it.
My story:
Lets say that I live in a small apartment in my mind; what happens if I try to open a window and toxic gases invade my ignored and uncomfortable apartment? Do they send me into a perpetual, clear state of euphoria or make me pass out on the cold floor, scattered with used needles and give me brain damage? What will happen if they play with my mind? Will they leave it better or worse than before? Will they do anything but mess with my already fragile emotions? I can tell myself, but I can’t tell you; You have to guess for yourself. Just assume and tell me what you think.
Can you give me a blanket? I’ve left the small apartment; I got tired of the never-ending stench of counterfeit cigarettes and the wrinkly old man next door bringing home a new hooker or two, sometimes three, every night…Now I’m cold, and hungry, and I want a soft teddy bear to hold and shakily whisper to at night on the streets, while business men casually walk past me. Occasionally one takes a few coins from his pocket and drops them near my hand, and I quickly snatch them and don’t say a word. It’s OK, though; they don’t want me to say anything, or even give an appreciative look back; nothing is fine. Nothing is wanted in return.
I’m scared and no one wants to help me. I’ve been abandoned by people I’ve never known, the ones who knew me try to help, but I just run away and I find myself back at the small apartment. Why did I leave in the first place? The streets are no better, but maybe they make me feel more free in a strange, confusing way. It seems clear why, with the answer somewhere close, but I can’t find it; I must have hidden it a few years ago in the hopes of never losing it or having it stolen, but I became the thief I feared back then. And I fear me now. What have I done to everything I knew? The grassy, rose-scented dream fields are gone; they died and became the repugnant parking lot off to the left side of Smith Street. I don’t like that street; it ends where the gay parade starts, and I’m left lost there, too.
Not for teens or young adults? LOL But I’m fifteen…
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Never ever use semi colons in a fiction novel. They are SO unecessary, and annoying. Use a comma or a period.
You lost me at sentence one.
I have no idea what you are talking about.
It seems somewhat poetic and deep, which I love. But if it is going to be THIS complexly poetic, then it shouldnt be as story, it should be a poem.
If you keep reading, you start to catch on to whats happening.
However, you need to grasp your readers attention starting at sentence ONE. So if you want to start it different, and then take a bird walk to your apartment ordeal, it will sound a lot better. More people will keep reading.
Also, I hope your audience is not teens or young adults. They will be so completely and utterly lost that it isnt funny. So hopefully this is for a more advanced audience.
Overall I have to say i DID enjoy this. It was confusing, but im an anotater, i got your point. however, i can not say this will be true for the average reader. This would make an amazing poem just the way it is. Amazing.
As far as a story goes, just clear it up some and youll get it with time
Care to critique mine?
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AkkkAUvU7y7x1d6F9gj6hsPsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20090608170310AAzT8L4
This is amazing, to be honest. I love it.
Its…Too complicated. Sure, if I was a little more awake I could read it, but overall-Tone it down a bit. I like the idea-keep the same way of writing, but its also kind of depressing/dark….But that’s only another way of writing.
Sounds too much like my type of writing-Except mine is less dark…First person=okay, but this doesn’t appeal much to readers. (Lessen details, and lessen amount of thoughts…Only partially). Something more simple, like ‘Life had left me behind-’ or something more summarizing like that…
Sorry, my brain is half-working.. >_<